glowing_fish

I live next to the Plaza de Armas in Santiago. This is the historic center of town, where tourists congregate, and there is always something going on. Compared to other places in South America, Santiago is a little less glamorous, mystical or sexy, but its still a pretty exciting place to be living. Or should be. I mean, in US terms this is like if I was living two blocks from Times Square.

But my general attitude towards all this music and dancing is...well, blah. And not just because its also a place where I need to watch my wallet. I just don't really think much of going there.

So today, other than going outside to get some money from an ATM (located in a Metro station), and then going to turn that money into bills so I could use the laundry room...I watched The Secret World of Alex Mack, played Masters of Orion 2, and ate cinnamon toast. I don't know if this is a bad thing or not. Sometimes, I guess, I just have to spin my gears.

I have a big social group here, and there is always something to do.

Those things to do usually involve spending money, drinking, and staying out late in crowded, noisy places.

And one thing I noticed is that the people who always want me to go out with them, who always have plans of things to do, are less available when I want any type of quieter and more serious relationship. I have made a lot of Facebook contacts who can pose in pictures with me, etc. Wow, look at us. And then I started trying to see what they would do for me on my boring weekends, when I was lonely, when I had stuff to talk about...not so much.

The group is important here, for the people from this culture, and for young "expats" who need something to latch on to. Its an easy thing to slide in to and surround yourself in, but who are these people beyond people who laugh while they are drinking a five dollar beer?

It was less than a month ago that I signed for my apartment. My timeline is a little bit hazy, but I think it was Monday the 17th of April. I remember in the first week of April, the entire idea that something like moving could be done in a month seemed ridiculous: moving seemed to be a barrier, a wall, and I didn't know how I would get through it. My entire time here had been lived in one building, it seemed almost bizarre to reorder my life. But then it happened, quite suddenly, with some fatigue but without major problems, and now I don't even really connect my life now with my life in March. All those things became memories very quickly. This is despite the fact that for much of it, I can construct a pretty good day by day, sometimes even hour by hour, timeline.

So now I am here, getting rid of anxieties of my new life, as I figure out how to do things one by one. Finally figured out how to quickly and easily do laundry.

Another thing about this for me was there was already several phases in my life here. I think it was December or January that I really started to feel comfortable here, like I really knew what I was doing. By January, it was hard for me to understand my August self, and my August self couldn't understand my May self. But now, the January attitude feels just as far away as my initial, traumatized and confused May self.

So...what comes next?

I don't know quite what to do with this, in many ways, LJ was a dead end. I need a place to express myself, to keep a record, maybe to make connections.

My LJ entries were rather cursory, and I might attempt to do a more involved, narrative post, where I get to the bottom of my feelings, whatever those are.

But for people just tuning in:

I am Matthew, I am a United States citizen who lives in Santiago, Chile. I work as an English teacher, to adults. I am 37 years old, and have done a lot of things, although sometimes not as many as I would like or think I should. I teach English to adults, in a business setting, so my days are mostly me travelling to different places at different hours. My classes are usually 1 or 2 people. Its a hard job to explain.

My time is cut up into inconvenient chunks, so I don't really have any time for "hobbies". There is a rushed quality to my life, which is in contrast to the expansiveness I had when I lived in Montana...of course, in Montana, I was unemployed and lived with my mother.

One of my goals on being here is to be able to think more about what I really want out of life. My life has been such a whirl that I haven't really had any time to be myself. I hope to change that, but I don't know how.

I know I haven't updated in a long time.

But, um, I will work on that soon?

Maybe?

January 2012 is an...odd time?

It is 1 PM.
What shall I do? I have been awake...four hours now?
And have mostly been internetting.
Blahhhh this entry is memoriable of LJ circa 2003. Besides in 2003, I would have gotten 20 responses for writing nothing!